Blogging and Venting

So I continually find that life is so full of business that it is essentially impossible to keep this blog updated. Ugh, the life of a grad student. Plus I do wonder if anyone does actually read this, or if I am solely writing for myself.

This semester has been insane: I am taking two classes, teaching three labs, doing research, preparing for the prelims, and planning a wedding. I've had several mental breakdowns already, and I am stressed beyond belief, and WSU stupidly doesnt have a Fall break so we go for almost 3 months without a break...ugh.

I am taking Electromagnetism II this semester which is interesting and fun, but extremely difficult. Then I am taking Atomic Physics, which should be interesting and fun, but the professor has successfully made the class a bore, made the homework meaningless busy work, and I basically hate the class. It seems that grad school = crappy classes and professors(there are exceptions). I miss Valpo.

Two of my three labs have no desire to be there and so they are a pain to teach, and grading 75 labs a week is terrible. Research has been difficult because my adviser is on sabbatical and so is never around to help, except for very rare occasions, and so I am stuck in a rut.

And planning a wedding is terribly frustrating because it costs so much! Ack! It seems ridiculous that a wedding should cost around the price of a new car.

Oh and I bought a Condo in July, so I am a home owner now and having to deal with all the new costs associated with that and the inherent stresses.....I really need a vacation from life.

quick

It has been forever since I have written anything here...time to change that. I have foolishly picked up more responsibilities in my life...which is a mixed blessing. Yes being engaged is great and owning my own condo is awesome...but they both add lots of work which I didnt have last year....and I have more to do so I cant write more. Ugh

Dry Bones

In my time here at WSU I often wonder what the entire point of this endeavor is. It’s certainly not money, as I will probably never be paid well. It is certainly not pleasure as graduate school is one of the most sadistic things you could do to yourself. Is it knowledge? I came into grad school thinking knowledge was the point of this endeavor, but now I realize differently. WSU certainly has the knowledge, there are a lot of great physicist here, but they have all missed the point. My experience here has been one of great amounts of knowledge but no understanding.

WSU is one of those bastions of secular thought, an Athens, full of all the modern science and modern ways of thinking, very progressive and on the cutting edge, but for all this they miss the point entirely. There is no understanding.

“Have you not heard? Have you not seen?” For all the proof, for all the glory, all the wonder that is revealed in this place of research and study, those here miss the Truth shouting at them. It depresses me how modern mans distrust and loathing of faith has made it impossible for them to see reality through the eyes of faith. They do not see the beauty, the life, the Divine Harmony in reality. All they see is atoms and molecules, numbers and figures. The universe is dead in this world view, a bland set of rules and matter that exists and acts for no reason and no purpose.

Why have I come to WSU? Why have I come to Athens? I doubt there are many schools that are different from WSU. The dead universe is the prevailing world view in academia. How can there be life in a worldview that rejects the Life? Why am I here in this dead place? To share the Life.

The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. And he said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "O Lord GOD, you know." Then he said to me, "Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD." Eze 37:1-6

God grant me the patience, the faith, and the perseverance to prophesy to this valley of dry bones, that your abundant life may flow into them and let them live. Amen

Meditation on the Cross

Stretched, contorted, distorted,
The Godhead upon the Cross,
With bloody brambles crowned,
Mourning for souls lost.

No nails could ever hold,
Christ on the Cross above,
Naked broken shivering cold,
Alone in holding was His Love.

Six words in torment spoken,
Pleading for others ne’er himself,
Desperate to heal the broken,
Never thing of Self.

Darkness veiled the skies,
O’er the dreadful sacrfice,
As His death for us pleading cries,
And for the deadly debt did suffice.

Led silent to the slaughter,
Ne’er straying from His course,
That we may be called son or daughter,
And find life in our remorse.

Let us never forget this dreadful day,
Whose death won o’er sins strife,
Holds satan’s power at bay,
And leads us from death to life.

Good Friday

Some musings on Good Friday from contemplating on the Three Hours:

I can understand why the nonbeliever goes about Good Friday as though it is any other Friday, the thing which astounds and baffles me, is Christians who treat this Holy Day as any other day. They go to work, they eat, converse, and maybe go to Church. Should we not spend this Day in prayer and contemplation? Should we not take this one day out of the year to focus solely on the amazing grace of our God shown by the Eternal Son hanging upon the Cross?

Judas betrayed Christ, the disciples abandoned Him, Peter denied Him, the people mocked and beat Him, and the soldiers crucified Him….and despite all we think, we are all of them. We all shared in Judas betrayal, we abandoned and denied Him, mocked and beat and crucified Him. And yet despite of our spiteful hatred of Him he died for us. Even as we mocked and taunted Him he died to atone for that sin. What amazing grace! What amazing love!

No nails could bind Him, no shackles could hold Him, no army could stop Him, it was His love for us alone, which captured Him, His love which held him before wicked courts to be mocked and beat, his love and mercy which held Him high upon the Cross and did not let Him save himself. What did Christ think about as He hung upon the Cross? He thought of us.

Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. It was with an act of intimacy and love with which Judas betrayed. What a mystery! What a horrible reality, an act of love turned to an act of hatred! And what of Judas name, which means thanks? How do we reconcile thankfulness with betrayal? How do we understand one who loves and thanks Christ, to betray Him? It is a mystery not to be solved, but to be experienced in the reality that we are all like Judas, we all have loved Christ and betrayed.

While Christians slept: The Washington Euthanasia Initiative

In the elections of last November an initiative to legalize euthanasia was passed in Washington State, making it the second state in the United States to do so, Oregon being the first. Below I post the wording of the initiative:

Initiative Measure No. 1000 concerns allowing certain terminally ill competent adults to obtain lethal prescriptions.

This measure would permit terminally ill, competent, adult Washington residents, who are medically predicted to have six months or less to live, to request and self-administer lethal medication prescribed by a physician.

The passing of such a bill in a liberal state, with a predominately secular population is not terribly surprising. The surprising aspect of the situation is the somnolence of Christians in the face of evil.
Neither before the elections, nor after elections did I hear the initiative discussed in Churches. There were no protests, no petitions, no signs of Christians even knowing or caring what was going on. It was as if the Church in Washington fell asleep while the roots of evil were passed into law.
Now you may think I am overreacting, I mean the bill is for euthanasia lite, but in the face of evil there is no such thing as overreacting. Certain nations in Europe passed similar laws many years ago. The allowance of those first laws has led to a situation in which doctors in much of Europe can kill anyone, even against there will, if the doctor deems their quality of life to be inadequate. Think I am still overreacting? Sociologists commonly say that the United States tends to follow trends in Europe with regards to society, laws, etc. If this is true, then one day in the near future, you may go for a doctor visit because of a runny nose, and the doctor will lay you, say that the runny nose makes your life quality poor, and kill you with a lethal injection, no matter how much you protest. If we do not stand now and root out the evil, then it will spread, and doctors may become dealers of death.
We legalized abortion in certain cases, and now women can kill their babies at any point in pregnancy: million of children have been murdered. We are legalizing killing the elderly, soon there will be no retirement as we kill off anyone over 60. And after that? Who is left but those in the middle? If life is not sacred at the beginning or the end, then it isn’t in the middle either, and murder at any state will be legal.
I leave you a poem by Martin Niemoller:

"In Germany, they came first for the Communists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist;
And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist;
And then they came for the Jews, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew;
And then . . . they came for me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up."

Eucharistic Fellowship

I recently had the pleasure of visiting a Benedictine monastery. It was a wonderful experience, as usual, but with one hijink: it was Catholic. Since it was a Catholic monastery and I am a Lutheran both my governing body, and their governing body forbade my sharing in the Eucharist. Both the Catholic’s and Lutheran’s(LCMS and WELS) practice close communion.
Now some of those who know me may be rejoicing thinking that I have changed my stance on close communion, but I have not. I still support and believe in close communion, but I find terribly frustrating and depressing the reasons we need close communion, namely the schismatic nature of the church. Eucharistic fellowship was never a question in the early centuries of the formal church (after council of Nicea to about the 11th century), there was one catholic church, and therefore no need for close communion in the modern sense. It wasn’t until the east west split, and later the reformation which necessitated the institution of the modern form of close communion. Before the schisms close communion merely meant withholding from the unbaptized and uninitiated, but after the schisms the meaning was changed to being: withholding Eucharistic fellowship from those who believe differently than us.
You may want to argue whether or not close communion is right, but I am not here to argue the validity of close communion. I am a supporter of close communion who is here to mourn the necessity for it. Every time we close off the Eucharist to a fellow Christian of a different denomination we are announcing the disunity of the body, and the terrible reality of sin within the Church. I am not saying that all Christians are the same, if I did I wouldn’t support close communion, but I am saying that Christians should be the same. Some of the strongest condemnations in the New Testament are against those who would divide the Body of Christ. It is a sad reality that the Body of Christ is divided, whether by politics, theology, or practice. This does not mean that we should forget all differences and make a goopy form of Christianity, which is a mixture of all. Quite a few denominations stand diametrically opposed to one another on certain issues, and it would be unwise to throw out such distinctions just for the sake of unity.
I desire unity for the Body of Christ. I dream of a day when we can over come schisms and meet in a catholic Church, one in which Christ is present and the True faith is taught unadulterated by the fashions of the times. Such a day may never come this side of eternity, as sin distorts and corrupts the thinking of the faithful, and heresies run rampant and seek to destroy the church. But God in his odd ironic way has turned the plethora of denominations into modern day Athens in which we can argue and discuss the faith, and ever strive toward the perfection, which is the One True Church. We may never be able to realize a true catholic faith this side of eternity, but we can certainly try.

life death and love

It is odd how often we forget about the fragility and preciousness of life. We are(for the most part) not surrounded by life and death on a daily basis. It is foreign to us, we hear of wars in far off countries, or disasters killing thousands elsewhere, but our day to day lives are filled with narrowly viewing tasks. I teach, I go to class, I do homework, and the entire time I am caught up and frustrated by the day to day, and irritated by the normal, and never does it really enter into my mind to contemplate mortality. That is until I hear that a friend died, or someone close to me is ill. it seems like all of a sudden some ailment, some death springs up and jumps in and wrecks my little cubicle of theoretical thoughts.

I found out recently that my fathers cancer has come back, its been caught really early, so there is a great chance of recovery, but that threat to mortality still strikes a chord within and causes a wrecking dissonance within my carefully constructed world. And then I find out a family friend, only 33 years old died in his sleep unexpectedly. No one knows yet how he died, just that he went to bed one night and didnt get up.

It is times like these when I think upon my life, and think upon all the death and suffering I have known. My grandmother, a friend killed in an accident, a friend who killed himself, and the list goes on and on. Life is a lesson in mortality and death. The older we get the more and more death and suffering we see, the more we live through. And whats the point of everything else?

I spend so much time in books, so much time on intellectual pursuits, but does it help anyone? I know all the arguments for academic study, and how it can make us to better serve others....but sometimes the answers aren't enough. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much we know, how many degrees we have....if we have not set the captives free, given the blind sight, the mute a voice, the naked clothes, if we have not loved, it is all worthless.

The Cave

I am trapped. I am trapped cold, alone, naked, and sick in a cave. There is only one entrance to the cave five feet above me, and by its lowly light I can see my surroundings. On all sides, slippery smooth granite walls, wet from an eternal rain shower, whose water does not fill the cave but simply goes down cracks in the floor. I stretch out my arms reaching for the light, and my hands slip and slide off the walls. I jump, hit, run, and reach and am no closer to the top, still always a finite distance away, which might as well be infinite for I will never reach the top.
I shiver in the cold, and cough up blood; I will die in here. There is no hope of escape, no chance of reaching out. I am here cold, alone, and naked, all my flaws wide visible, no spot in the cave to hide, no chance to escape my shame. And so I lay upon the ground, my head upon the hard rock, and submit to my deadly fate.
As the world around begins to dim, and my death is assured, the light above slowly fades, to reappear….here! Within the cave! Upon the cold ground of the cave is the sum of all light, full of grace and love. My eyes burn in pain, and I weep that I should be found this way, I pray for a quick death to not suffer anymore, when the coldness passes away, my sickness drains, and a garment falls upon my skin.
I look down upon myself and see I wear a robe of purest white. Warmth fills my body, and I feel the sickness pass away, and I turn to see behind me another man has entered within. He now kneels naked, shivering cold, and shaking with illness. He looks directly at my eyes, his eternal grey, and stands. A smile so sorrowful and yet so loving fills his face and he speaks with words soft as whispers, “Give me your foot and let me lift you up and out of this cave.”
I know not why, but I am brought to call him Lord and say, “No lord, no I will not leave you here. Here have this robe of mine!”
“You do not know what you say,” the Lord speaks, “that robe is mine, and I have given it to you, and thus I am naked. I healed you, and so I am sick. I warmed you, and so I am cold, and now I will lift you that I may die.”
“No Lord!” I sob and cry, my face buries in his naked chest, “I cannot let you Lord! You do not deserve this, you have done nothing deserving, and I have done everything!”
He looks at me and sighs. Without asking again he lifts me up and out of the cave. And as I turn to look back within, I see him fall upon the ground and he breathes his last. My Lord has died that I might live. My God traded spaces that I would not be away from him. Praise be to God. Amen

Ash Wednesday

As I begin the slow and painful descent from the mountain of the Transfiguration into the valley of Lent I am struck by darkness, a deeper and darker night than any other Lent before. Maybe it is because I am in a deeper wilderness here, or maybe it is because the Church lacks the same presence here, or maybe night is finally falling, the night when no man can work.

While the world moves on with its daily life, and unfortunately much of the church does the same, I find myself wallowing in the ashes, the shards of my life strewn about like so many shattered pots and the truth "from dust you are and to dust you will return" echoing in my ears like a ghostly toning bell, reminding me of a quote from Donne, "never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."

A cacophony of eerie ringing resounds in the night as all are brought to dust and ash. All are laid low in the deadly night, sin their mortal wound. Ash Wednesday is a day of reflection upon the dark state of humanity without Christ. Without Christ we are all dust, we are all dead, we are all nothing. As the imposition of ashes occurs we shout and fall down acknowledging that we are not good enough, smart enough, brave enough. We acknowledge that we are dead and lost without Christ.

Very few people seem to like Ash Wednesday, and the season of Lent in general. Lent is a time of dark and sorrowful wandering in the wilderness of our own souls. Lent calls us to stop our busy self distracting, self destructive lives and take stock of who and what we are and to see in stark clarity all our flaws, failings, and setbacks. Lent is not fun, it is not happy, but it is true. We are all lost in a dark and frightening wilderness of our own souls, and in Lent we come to realize and acknowledge that we are powerless, broken, and helpless.

And because we are all dead and helpless, Christ came down and was incarnate, and met us in our darkness, met us in our helplessness, and traded places with us. Let us ponder these 40 days on where we are without Christ, and acknowledge all those dark and secret things that plagues us, and let us lay them down on the altar of our broken selves, and praise God for sending His one and only Son to die for us. Let us prepare for that Holy Mystery in which Life died that we may live, and continually remember that we are all dust and ash without Him who died for us all. Amen

Meaningless Physics

"'Meaningless, meaningless' says the teacher" or rather the student, in this case.

As most of you may know I am working on my PhD in physics, and as some of you know I am doing it at a secular institution, where as my undergrad was at a "Lutheran" university. The question of Valpo's Lutheran affiliation aside, there were still plenty of strong Christians there who influenced me deeply, and it is in these thoughts of comparison that I come to find physics absolutely meaningless and depressing.

Physics in an of itself is not evil or bad. It is the study of the created world, and if we take that Creation is good than the study of it cannot be inherently wrong. Instead the philosophy which dwells behind the physics of today makes it wicked, the paradigm by which modern physics views the world contaminates it and makes it worthless.

To put it flatly and as controversial as possible, physics which denies the Trinity and His work within the universe is worthless and a meaningless endeavor. Now there are plenty of ways to argue the point, but the one I wish to consider now is that of experience. In undergrad when I was studying physics in a Christian atmosphere, where a base axiom was that the Trinity works in the world, physics was beautiful. Physics described the universe, and in doing so instilled a wonder of creation and therefore the Creator. Physics done in the Christian sense also acknowledged that there are things that exist outside of our human experience and therefore we recognized eternity and realized that this material world is not all there is. Physics actually mattered then. Rather than it being the study of something that will cease and is fleeting, we were studying something solid, eternal. Physics in the action of understanding the material instilled insight into the immaterial and therefore the immortal.
But not so in the secular environment. Physics in the secular paradigm is the study of only that which we can perceive, and therefore that which will decay and die, that which will not last, and that which does not matter in the final assessment. If the here and now is all we have, if material existence is it than life is meaningless. Who cares if we understand the universe if that knowledge will just die with us? what does it matter how we act as scientist if there is no ultimate judge? Secular physics is meaningless. In denying the existance of something it cannot explain, it makes itself worthless.

I find studying physics at a secular institution terribly painful and depressing. The predominate paradigm within the department sees only this and nothing beyond, and therefore life is a meaningless toil through terribly painful work to get a degree then a job, accomplish nothing and die and disappear....how can anyone live with the secular view? how aweful! how terrible! And so I find my physics department depressing. Lord open the eyes of the blind that they may have Life and have it abundantly. Amen

Stars

Tonight I watched the movie stardust again, and it got me thinking and wondering. Why did we ever trade the stars for mercury vapor lamps?

Modern man, of which I am one, seems to have this predilection of being miserable with civilization and technology, and yet also miserable when it is not there. I mean I'm writing this on a laptop, connected wirelessly to the internet in my well lit heated apartment. What irony?

We have perfected being miserable, humans have succeeded in figuring out a way to be miserable with something that we are also miserable without. Some days I am reminded of my true longings and my true desires, you know the ones that dwell deep below the surface of selfish ambition and greed, below the obsession with comfort, with peace, the deep ontological desires that are at the very bed rock of being, those that make the "uncivilized" stare into the sky.

Almost all our entertainment speaks of it. Our movies, our books, our music parades around false realities of heros and adventures, and wonderful worlds that are not as dull and boring as everyday life seems to be. Man desires something more, at the very depths of our hearts we know that there is something else, that there is something bigger, something that can fill a hole gaping in ourselves. Most try to hide the hole, some try to close it with things of this world, some deny that it even exists and parade around with there eyes closed and ears shut so as to not notice. But then there are those like me, who tear that hole open larger, deeper, and rest in the terrible pain of longing that ensues. Because pain seems to be the only thing that seems to wake the anesthetized souls up from their mediocre slumber.

Nothing here can fill the void, or satisfy the hunger. All things here either point us to a Reality beyond, which can fulfill, or mask the longing in self deciving lies and pleasures.

I have found myself fascinated....no, obsessed with stars my entire life. Maybe its their otherworldy nature, their beauty, their mystery, their fertile ground for imagination and wonder, or maybe it is because they are the silent watchmen reminding us that this is not all there is. That our existence, our problems our pains, are not all that is. The stars remind us that there is more, that ther is More, a Reality in which we dwell with the One who created the heavens and the earth, the One who knit into us the wonder of the stars, the One who gave us this insatiable longing for more, and the only One whom can ever satisfy our greatest desire.

Lord satisfy me, for You alone can, and let me dance among the stars to the uncreated rhythm and be lost and found in Your infinite Glory.

Failures

Recently I had a friend tell me that her biggest fear was failure, and it made me realize two things: we are obsessed with winning, and that I am a failure.

I will now list a few of my most recent failures:
-I lost two very important books to me in my travels over break.
-I have lost 4 out of 4 hockey games in the last 2 weeks.
-In the game I play online I have lost every battle recently
-I got a speeding ticket because I failed to catch a sign saying the speed limit was changing
-I failed to catch that my tabs were expired and I had invalid insurance cards on me.

Now most of these failures are minor and just annoyances, but it got me to thinking deeper and farther back. My failure at sports when I was younger, my failures as a student, my many failures with regards to my family, to my friends. My failures as a Residential minister, my failures as a researcher, quite frankly I realized I have failed at everything.

Why do we fear failure? Despite what society wants us to believe failure is the norm, success is not. Looking at the world we see tons of failure everywhere, from the failure of society to care for the broken, the poor, the sick, to the failure of individuals, the failing economy. The norm of this existence is failure. Thermodynamics and some theories of the universe teach us that the universe tends towards decay, towards failure. One day the earth will fail to sustain life, the sun will fail, and all will tend towards a state of maximum entropy and the entire universe will fail. Failure is the norm and rule of this reality. Sure some may claim some minor victories, but even if you win every battle, every contest even if you are the most successful person on earth ever, your body will fail and you will die. In the end everything you did will be for naught, a complete and total failure.

So whats the point? Why even try if it will all be failure in the end?

Because death and physics do not have the final word. The norm of this reality is not the rule of all. No there is a higher and greater Rule, a Reality which supersedes and permeates our own. It is the Reality of the Resurrection, the Fact of Life Incarnate, the one thing that ever has and ever will matter: Jesus Christ. While we were still yet living in a world of decay, death and damnation, the Life, the Light, came down an was made man. Even while He slept at His mother's bosom failure continued as Herod murdered the innocents, the society deteriorated, death ran rampant, even in the Reality of the Incarnation death claimed its hold. But the miraculous happened, and it began in His ministry. The dead were raised, the blind made to see, the lame made to walk. All the failure, all the decay began to turn back, Life had come and death was fleeing! In one more attempt to rule this world and set all to destruction and failure death claimed Christ, satan worked his tyranny to kill Life. But in the moment of the darkness apparent victory Life rose up to deal the killing blow. Death died on the cross, and satan was utterly destroyed. The enemies fought, and lost! Christ rose on the third day and Life claimed its victory. The Life came into the world and abolished death, destroyed the immanent failure of life and replaced it with the victory that is Life.


So whats the point? Why even try if it will all be failure in the end?

Even though we fail, even though the tyrants of this world still work us woe, we have the final victory. We do not try to succeed, but we try because Christ already has succeeded. We do not have to win, we do not have to succeed, the Victory has already been won by Christ, and so we are called to live in that victory. Even if we fail at our tasks, even if we end up broken on the street, poor, despondent, and shattered remnant of some semblance of what the world calls 'success' we will still have won, we will still have the Victory, for it is not ours to gain or to hold, instead it is Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit through the waters of Holy Baptism. In Baptism we admitted the ultimate failure, we admitted that we were dead, and we sacrificed every vain hope of success in those waters and rose in victory by what Christ has done, and not by any work or deed that we may or may not have done.

We will fail, the world will look at our lives and label them complete failures, empty, a tragic waste, but it will not matter for we have the Life, the Victory in Christ. Fear not failure, for even if the world crumbles around you and everything that was good turns sour, and every venture fails there is still Life found and given through the waters of Baptism, into the One True Life.

Returning Reflections- Valpo

As my time of returning to Valpo is passing midway and approaching the end I find myself reflecting and contemplating on Valpo, my time here as an undergraduate and my time here now. Much has stayed the same since graduating, and much has changed.

One thing that has stayed the same, and probably will always be the same is my love of the place. The happy memories, the friends, the chapel, Christ College, the strong values and unique perspective on the world. Valpo was the place in which I truly learned who I am and came into my own. I moved out from under the shadow of teachers and parents and truly stood up for the first time as myself. There were many triumphs, and many failures, joys and depressions, yet I would not trade any of it for the world.

When I came back I expected to find many people that I knew, many friends, but I found something different, a community of people I barely knew. I found out on returning that so many of my friends, so many of my loved ones either graduated with me, or before me. There are of course some people left, but far fewer than I realized. And now in the midst of new faces I see ghosts of the past, of times when I was first learning to live on my own, learning to be a college student, my first all nighter. Valpo is a place of living ghosts, even while new memories are made and present joys are experienced I find the ghosts of the past. I sit in the library commons in the wonderful orange chairs staring out into the snow and feel such ecstasy, all the time remembering the activities fairs, the church voc meetings, the midnight strolls gazing up into the sky wishing for things that never will be. What a haunted ecstasy!

Valpo is not the same place. The old union is closed, the new union is open. It is a massive place of modern design and immaculate sterilness. I am sure it will be great and students will love it, but it is not my Valpo, it is not the dim and dark corners of worn out benches and stained carpet, much loved crevices of solitude, or of intimacy. Valpo is different and yet the same.

And the people are different, those individuals who made my time at Valpo so wonderful are changing. Friends are moving on, getting married, off to different parts of the world, and all things are different, and yet there is still a deep nostalgia, a deep love that unites us together in past shared experiences, unites us in love for Valpo.

I can never return to my Valpo. The place has changed, the people have changed, and no matter how wonderful the times were that place is gone. Returning reminds me of those things, and brings a warmth to my heart, but I am no fool. I know that these feelings are fleeting and cannot be held onto, that I must move on with my life, not living in the past, but living in a way that reflects the past.

Father, may I live in a way which reflects my time at Valpo, a life of love and service, a life of uniting faith and knowledge, of acting in ways that reflect belief and as a shining beacon in a world of darkness. 'In luce tua videmus lucem' In thy Light we see light. May I ever live in the Light and let my life be a reflection of the Light. May I live a life worthy of the ideals of Valpo, one in which the Light effects all aspects of my being and that I may be a city on a hill, the salt of the earth, a true disciple of Christ. Amen

Cabin Fever, balance and Valpo

Now I do love my family, and like the place I grew up- my parents place- but I found myself this break experiencing immense cabin fever. Every time I go home it seems to get worse, because every time I go home the less and less its like the place I grew up. My friends have moved out and aren't around, the places I used to go to are in some cases gone, or changed in a very unfamiliar way, and this all adds to me experiencing a restlessness. I mean it is a great place to visit, for a time, but I don't know if I can call it home. It has nothing to do with family, instead it is the fact that it has become foreign to me. There are new faces in the places I worked, there are new buildings, new sights, just new every where. It is foreign to me, and how can we call the foreign home? It is now my parents place, and my home is in WA.
What does this have to do with cabin fever? Well over break there were things I wanted to get done, which are easy to do in WA because of how my place is and the familiarity. At my parents place there was an unfamiliarity which made me feel unable to do work, and in turn made me restless. I want to make clear that I am not making a judgement on places, neither is better than the other, but they are different, and therefore my interaction is differently. There is no quiet sanctum of prayer at solitude at my parent's place like at mine, but they have a huge TV and cable so I can watch the Red Wings. Both places are good but in different ways. I think that this difference and this foreignness brought me to a terrible case of cabin fever after about a week. I experience the same thing every time I go on vacation to a different place whether it be MI, or Mexico or Germany. I get restless after about a week of being somewhere and want to go home.

To continue on this train of self discovery, I discovered something about myself when I was on the train from MI to Valpo: I thrive on balance. Now when most people hear the I triple majored in physics, theology, and math they assume that I am crazy and must have had a miserable time of it...but they are wrong. I am finding that I am far less fulfilled and enjoying school doing one subject than I was when I was doing three. Such a terribly specialized focused study is unbalanced. It does not engage all parts of being and so leaves me(and maybe every body) unfulfilled. So far in my life, the most fulfilling and enjoyable times were those where I would be discussing trinitarian theology while calculating the ground state energies of a perturbed hydrogen atom.
I am a hybrid creature, a being dwelling in the thermocline of Reality and reality. In order to be happy I need to be rooted in the Real even while exploring the real. Now I may be unique, but I don't think so. I think that all humans are this hybrid creature, and most of our depression and sorrow arises because we either try to live in the real, or the Real, and never realize that we were made for both. We need balance.

I am visiting Valpo currently which is of course doing a number on my heart and soul. I love this place, the calm warmness of the Christopher Center commons, with the wonderful orange chairs, the peaceful contemplative narthex of the Chapel of the Resurrection, and of course the glorious awe inspiring Christus Rex and stained glass windows. It feels so terribly good to be back, and yet it inspires a nostalgic sadness as I realize that this Valpo is not my Valpo. There is a new Union(which is amazing) a new pastor, and tons of new things, as well as a lack of most of my friends. It is a similar place, but not the same, and it saddens me with the realization that my Valpo will never be again. Which is fine, it is all part of growing up, but I still can be sad about it.

Well time to go and enjoy some valpo cuisine and to just be happy being here again and seeing some friends at least.