The sky o'er head hung grey,
clouds heavy with divine tears,
as the Father's hand from help did stay,
a Son victim to all our fears.
Seperated from the source of life,
the Son in anguish did loudly cry,
embracing the result of all our strife,
and once for all the Life did die.
The earth in shock might'ly shook,
and tears a mighty torrent formed,
while thunderous gasps the air took,
nature in anguish powerfully stormed.
It is said that tombs burst open,
and ancient dead rose to witness,
a new covenant to which we hearken,
in His blood is our forgiveness.
The Son seperated in our stead,
to death, sin, and satan three days lay,
while we morn in sorrowing dread,
til Christ bursts forth on Easter day!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Monday, November 2, 2009
Blogging and Venting
So I continually find that life is so full of business that it is essentially impossible to keep this blog updated. Ugh, the life of a grad student. Plus I do wonder if anyone does actually read this, or if I am solely writing for myself.
This semester has been insane: I am taking two classes, teaching three labs, doing research, preparing for the prelims, and planning a wedding. I've had several mental breakdowns already, and I am stressed beyond belief, and WSU stupidly doesnt have a Fall break so we go for almost 3 months without a break...ugh.
I am taking Electromagnetism II this semester which is interesting and fun, but extremely difficult. Then I am taking Atomic Physics, which should be interesting and fun, but the professor has successfully made the class a bore, made the homework meaningless busy work, and I basically hate the class. It seems that grad school = crappy classes and professors(there are exceptions). I miss Valpo.
Two of my three labs have no desire to be there and so they are a pain to teach, and grading 75 labs a week is terrible. Research has been difficult because my adviser is on sabbatical and so is never around to help, except for very rare occasions, and so I am stuck in a rut.
And planning a wedding is terribly frustrating because it costs so much! Ack! It seems ridiculous that a wedding should cost around the price of a new car.
Oh and I bought a Condo in July, so I am a home owner now and having to deal with all the new costs associated with that and the inherent stresses.....I really need a vacation from life.
This semester has been insane: I am taking two classes, teaching three labs, doing research, preparing for the prelims, and planning a wedding. I've had several mental breakdowns already, and I am stressed beyond belief, and WSU stupidly doesnt have a Fall break so we go for almost 3 months without a break...ugh.
I am taking Electromagnetism II this semester which is interesting and fun, but extremely difficult. Then I am taking Atomic Physics, which should be interesting and fun, but the professor has successfully made the class a bore, made the homework meaningless busy work, and I basically hate the class. It seems that grad school = crappy classes and professors(there are exceptions). I miss Valpo.
Two of my three labs have no desire to be there and so they are a pain to teach, and grading 75 labs a week is terrible. Research has been difficult because my adviser is on sabbatical and so is never around to help, except for very rare occasions, and so I am stuck in a rut.
And planning a wedding is terribly frustrating because it costs so much! Ack! It seems ridiculous that a wedding should cost around the price of a new car.
Oh and I bought a Condo in July, so I am a home owner now and having to deal with all the new costs associated with that and the inherent stresses.....I really need a vacation from life.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
quick
It has been forever since I have written anything here...time to change that. I have foolishly picked up more responsibilities in my life...which is a mixed blessing. Yes being engaged is great and owning my own condo is awesome...but they both add lots of work which I didnt have last year....and I have more to do so I cant write more. Ugh
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Dry Bones
In my time here at WSU I often wonder what the entire point of this endeavor is. It’s certainly not money, as I will probably never be paid well. It is certainly not pleasure as graduate school is one of the most sadistic things you could do to yourself. Is it knowledge? I came into grad school thinking knowledge was the point of this endeavor, but now I realize differently. WSU certainly has the knowledge, there are a lot of great physicist here, but they have all missed the point. My experience here has been one of great amounts of knowledge but no understanding.
WSU is one of those bastions of secular thought, an
“Have you not heard? Have you not seen?” For all the proof, for all the glory, all the wonder that is revealed in this place of research and study, those here miss the Truth shouting at them. It depresses me how modern mans distrust and loathing of faith has made it impossible for them to see reality through the eyes of faith. They do not see the beauty, the life, the Divine Harmony in reality. All they see is atoms and molecules, numbers and figures. The universe is dead in this world view, a bland set of rules and matter that exists and acts for no reason and no purpose.
Why have I come to WSU? Why have I come to
The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. And he said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "O Lord GOD, you know." Then he said to me, "Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD." Eze 37:1-6
God grant me the patience, the faith, and the perseverance to prophesy to this valley of dry bones, that your abundant life may flow into them and let them live. Amen
Friday, April 10, 2009
Meditation on the Cross
Stretched, contorted, distorted,
The Godhead upon the Cross,
With bloody brambles crowned,
Mourning for souls lost.
No nails could ever hold,
Christ on the Cross above,
Naked broken shivering cold,
Alone in holding was His Love.
Six words in torment spoken,
Pleading for others ne’er himself,
Desperate to heal the broken,
Never thing of Self.
Darkness veiled the skies,
O’er the dreadful sacrfice,
As His death for us pleading cries,
And for the deadly debt did suffice.
Led silent to the slaughter,
Ne’er straying from His course,
That we may be called son or daughter,
And find life in our remorse.
Let us never forget this dreadful day,
Whose death won o’er sins strife,
Holds satan’s power at bay,
And leads us from death to life.
The Godhead upon the Cross,
With bloody brambles crowned,
Mourning for souls lost.
No nails could ever hold,
Christ on the Cross above,
Naked broken shivering cold,
Alone in holding was His Love.
Six words in torment spoken,
Pleading for others ne’er himself,
Desperate to heal the broken,
Never thing of Self.
Darkness veiled the skies,
O’er the dreadful sacrfice,
As His death for us pleading cries,
And for the deadly debt did suffice.
Led silent to the slaughter,
Ne’er straying from His course,
That we may be called son or daughter,
And find life in our remorse.
Let us never forget this dreadful day,
Whose death won o’er sins strife,
Holds satan’s power at bay,
And leads us from death to life.
Good Friday
Some musings on Good Friday from contemplating on the Three Hours:
I can understand why the nonbeliever goes about Good Friday as though it is any other Friday, the thing which astounds and baffles me, is Christians who treat this Holy Day as any other day. They go to work, they eat, converse, and maybe go to Church. Should we not spend this Day in prayer and contemplation? Should we not take this one day out of the year to focus solely on the amazing grace of our God shown by the Eternal Son hanging upon the Cross?
Judas betrayed Christ, the disciples abandoned Him, Peter denied Him, the people mocked and beat Him, and the soldiers crucified Him….and despite all we think, we are all of them. We all shared in Judas betrayal, we abandoned and denied Him, mocked and beat and crucified Him. And yet despite of our spiteful hatred of Him he died for us. Even as we mocked and taunted Him he died to atone for that sin. What amazing grace! What amazing love!
No nails could bind Him, no shackles could hold Him, no army could stop Him, it was His love for us alone, which captured Him, His love which held him before wicked courts to be mocked and beat, his love and mercy which held Him high upon the Cross and did not let Him save himself. What did Christ think about as He hung upon the Cross? He thought of us.
Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. It was with an act of intimacy and love with which Judas betrayed. What a mystery! What a horrible reality, an act of love turned to an act of hatred! And what of Judas name, which means thanks? How do we reconcile thankfulness with betrayal? How do we understand one who loves and thanks Christ, to betray Him? It is a mystery not to be solved, but to be experienced in the reality that we are all like Judas, we all have loved Christ and betrayed.
I can understand why the nonbeliever goes about Good Friday as though it is any other Friday, the thing which astounds and baffles me, is Christians who treat this Holy Day as any other day. They go to work, they eat, converse, and maybe go to Church. Should we not spend this Day in prayer and contemplation? Should we not take this one day out of the year to focus solely on the amazing grace of our God shown by the Eternal Son hanging upon the Cross?
Judas betrayed Christ, the disciples abandoned Him, Peter denied Him, the people mocked and beat Him, and the soldiers crucified Him….and despite all we think, we are all of them. We all shared in Judas betrayal, we abandoned and denied Him, mocked and beat and crucified Him. And yet despite of our spiteful hatred of Him he died for us. Even as we mocked and taunted Him he died to atone for that sin. What amazing grace! What amazing love!
No nails could bind Him, no shackles could hold Him, no army could stop Him, it was His love for us alone, which captured Him, His love which held him before wicked courts to be mocked and beat, his love and mercy which held Him high upon the Cross and did not let Him save himself. What did Christ think about as He hung upon the Cross? He thought of us.
Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. It was with an act of intimacy and love with which Judas betrayed. What a mystery! What a horrible reality, an act of love turned to an act of hatred! And what of Judas name, which means thanks? How do we reconcile thankfulness with betrayal? How do we understand one who loves and thanks Christ, to betray Him? It is a mystery not to be solved, but to be experienced in the reality that we are all like Judas, we all have loved Christ and betrayed.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
While Christians slept: The Washington Euthanasia Initiative
In the elections of last November an initiative to legalize euthanasia was passed in Washington State, making it the second state in the United States to do so, Oregon being the first. Below I post the wording of the initiative:
Initiative Measure No. 1000 concerns allowing certain terminally ill competent adults to obtain lethal prescriptions.
This measure would permit terminally ill, competent, adult Washington residents, who are medically predicted to have six months or less to live, to request and self-administer lethal medication prescribed by a physician.
The passing of such a bill in a liberal state, with a predominately secular population is not terribly surprising. The surprising aspect of the situation is the somnolence of Christians in the face of evil.
Neither before the elections, nor after elections did I hear the initiative discussed in Churches. There were no protests, no petitions, no signs of Christians even knowing or caring what was going on. It was as if the Church in Washington fell asleep while the roots of evil were passed into law.
Now you may think I am overreacting, I mean the bill is for euthanasia lite, but in the face of evil there is no such thing as overreacting. Certain nations in Europe passed similar laws many years ago. The allowance of those first laws has led to a situation in which doctors in much of Europe can kill anyone, even against there will, if the doctor deems their quality of life to be inadequate. Think I am still overreacting? Sociologists commonly say that the United States tends to follow trends in Europe with regards to society, laws, etc. If this is true, then one day in the near future, you may go for a doctor visit because of a runny nose, and the doctor will lay you, say that the runny nose makes your life quality poor, and kill you with a lethal injection, no matter how much you protest. If we do not stand now and root out the evil, then it will spread, and doctors may become dealers of death.
We legalized abortion in certain cases, and now women can kill their babies at any point in pregnancy: million of children have been murdered. We are legalizing killing the elderly, soon there will be no retirement as we kill off anyone over 60. And after that? Who is left but those in the middle? If life is not sacred at the beginning or the end, then it isn’t in the middle either, and murder at any state will be legal.
I leave you a poem by Martin Niemoller:
"In Germany, they came first for the Communists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist;
And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist;
And then they came for the Jews, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew;
And then . . . they came for me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up."
Initiative Measure No. 1000 concerns allowing certain terminally ill competent adults to obtain lethal prescriptions.
This measure would permit terminally ill, competent, adult Washington residents, who are medically predicted to have six months or less to live, to request and self-administer lethal medication prescribed by a physician.
The passing of such a bill in a liberal state, with a predominately secular population is not terribly surprising. The surprising aspect of the situation is the somnolence of Christians in the face of evil.
Neither before the elections, nor after elections did I hear the initiative discussed in Churches. There were no protests, no petitions, no signs of Christians even knowing or caring what was going on. It was as if the Church in Washington fell asleep while the roots of evil were passed into law.
Now you may think I am overreacting, I mean the bill is for euthanasia lite, but in the face of evil there is no such thing as overreacting. Certain nations in Europe passed similar laws many years ago. The allowance of those first laws has led to a situation in which doctors in much of Europe can kill anyone, even against there will, if the doctor deems their quality of life to be inadequate. Think I am still overreacting? Sociologists commonly say that the United States tends to follow trends in Europe with regards to society, laws, etc. If this is true, then one day in the near future, you may go for a doctor visit because of a runny nose, and the doctor will lay you, say that the runny nose makes your life quality poor, and kill you with a lethal injection, no matter how much you protest. If we do not stand now and root out the evil, then it will spread, and doctors may become dealers of death.
We legalized abortion in certain cases, and now women can kill their babies at any point in pregnancy: million of children have been murdered. We are legalizing killing the elderly, soon there will be no retirement as we kill off anyone over 60. And after that? Who is left but those in the middle? If life is not sacred at the beginning or the end, then it isn’t in the middle either, and murder at any state will be legal.
I leave you a poem by Martin Niemoller:
"In Germany, they came first for the Communists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist;
And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist;
And then they came for the Jews, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew;
And then . . . they came for me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up."
Friday, March 20, 2009
Eucharistic Fellowship
I recently had the pleasure of visiting a Benedictine monastery. It was a wonderful experience, as usual, but with one hijink: it was Catholic. Since it was a Catholic monastery and I am a Lutheran both my governing body, and their governing body forbade my sharing in the Eucharist. Both the Catholic’s and Lutheran’s(LCMS and WELS) practice close communion.
Now some of those who know me may be rejoicing thinking that I have changed my stance on close communion, but I have not. I still support and believe in close communion, but I find terribly frustrating and depressing the reasons we need close communion, namely the schismatic nature of the church. Eucharistic fellowship was never a question in the early centuries of the formal church (after council of Nicea to about the 11th century), there was one catholic church, and therefore no need for close communion in the modern sense. It wasn’t until the east west split, and later the reformation which necessitated the institution of the modern form of close communion. Before the schisms close communion merely meant withholding from the unbaptized and uninitiated, but after the schisms the meaning was changed to being: withholding Eucharistic fellowship from those who believe differently than us.
You may want to argue whether or not close communion is right, but I am not here to argue the validity of close communion. I am a supporter of close communion who is here to mourn the necessity for it. Every time we close off the Eucharist to a fellow Christian of a different denomination we are announcing the disunity of the body, and the terrible reality of sin within the Church. I am not saying that all Christians are the same, if I did I wouldn’t support close communion, but I am saying that Christians should be the same. Some of the strongest condemnations in the New Testament are against those who would divide the Body of Christ. It is a sad reality that the Body of Christ is divided, whether by politics, theology, or practice. This does not mean that we should forget all differences and make a goopy form of Christianity, which is a mixture of all. Quite a few denominations stand diametrically opposed to one another on certain issues, and it would be unwise to throw out such distinctions just for the sake of unity.
I desire unity for the Body of Christ. I dream of a day when we can over come schisms and meet in a catholic Church, one in which Christ is present and the True faith is taught unadulterated by the fashions of the times. Such a day may never come this side of eternity, as sin distorts and corrupts the thinking of the faithful, and heresies run rampant and seek to destroy the church. But God in his odd ironic way has turned the plethora of denominations into modern day Athens in which we can argue and discuss the faith, and ever strive toward the perfection, which is the One True Church. We may never be able to realize a true catholic faith this side of eternity, but we can certainly try.
Now some of those who know me may be rejoicing thinking that I have changed my stance on close communion, but I have not. I still support and believe in close communion, but I find terribly frustrating and depressing the reasons we need close communion, namely the schismatic nature of the church. Eucharistic fellowship was never a question in the early centuries of the formal church (after council of Nicea to about the 11th century), there was one catholic church, and therefore no need for close communion in the modern sense. It wasn’t until the east west split, and later the reformation which necessitated the institution of the modern form of close communion. Before the schisms close communion merely meant withholding from the unbaptized and uninitiated, but after the schisms the meaning was changed to being: withholding Eucharistic fellowship from those who believe differently than us.
You may want to argue whether or not close communion is right, but I am not here to argue the validity of close communion. I am a supporter of close communion who is here to mourn the necessity for it. Every time we close off the Eucharist to a fellow Christian of a different denomination we are announcing the disunity of the body, and the terrible reality of sin within the Church. I am not saying that all Christians are the same, if I did I wouldn’t support close communion, but I am saying that Christians should be the same. Some of the strongest condemnations in the New Testament are against those who would divide the Body of Christ. It is a sad reality that the Body of Christ is divided, whether by politics, theology, or practice. This does not mean that we should forget all differences and make a goopy form of Christianity, which is a mixture of all. Quite a few denominations stand diametrically opposed to one another on certain issues, and it would be unwise to throw out such distinctions just for the sake of unity.
I desire unity for the Body of Christ. I dream of a day when we can over come schisms and meet in a catholic Church, one in which Christ is present and the True faith is taught unadulterated by the fashions of the times. Such a day may never come this side of eternity, as sin distorts and corrupts the thinking of the faithful, and heresies run rampant and seek to destroy the church. But God in his odd ironic way has turned the plethora of denominations into modern day Athens in which we can argue and discuss the faith, and ever strive toward the perfection, which is the One True Church. We may never be able to realize a true catholic faith this side of eternity, but we can certainly try.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
life death and love
It is odd how often we forget about the fragility and preciousness of life. We are(for the most part) not surrounded by life and death on a daily basis. It is foreign to us, we hear of wars in far off countries, or disasters killing thousands elsewhere, but our day to day lives are filled with narrowly viewing tasks. I teach, I go to class, I do homework, and the entire time I am caught up and frustrated by the day to day, and irritated by the normal, and never does it really enter into my mind to contemplate mortality. That is until I hear that a friend died, or someone close to me is ill. it seems like all of a sudden some ailment, some death springs up and jumps in and wrecks my little cubicle of theoretical thoughts.
I found out recently that my fathers cancer has come back, its been caught really early, so there is a great chance of recovery, but that threat to mortality still strikes a chord within and causes a wrecking dissonance within my carefully constructed world. And then I find out a family friend, only 33 years old died in his sleep unexpectedly. No one knows yet how he died, just that he went to bed one night and didnt get up.
It is times like these when I think upon my life, and think upon all the death and suffering I have known. My grandmother, a friend killed in an accident, a friend who killed himself, and the list goes on and on. Life is a lesson in mortality and death. The older we get the more and more death and suffering we see, the more we live through. And whats the point of everything else?
I spend so much time in books, so much time on intellectual pursuits, but does it help anyone? I know all the arguments for academic study, and how it can make us to better serve others....but sometimes the answers aren't enough. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much we know, how many degrees we have....if we have not set the captives free, given the blind sight, the mute a voice, the naked clothes, if we have not loved, it is all worthless.
I found out recently that my fathers cancer has come back, its been caught really early, so there is a great chance of recovery, but that threat to mortality still strikes a chord within and causes a wrecking dissonance within my carefully constructed world. And then I find out a family friend, only 33 years old died in his sleep unexpectedly. No one knows yet how he died, just that he went to bed one night and didnt get up.
It is times like these when I think upon my life, and think upon all the death and suffering I have known. My grandmother, a friend killed in an accident, a friend who killed himself, and the list goes on and on. Life is a lesson in mortality and death. The older we get the more and more death and suffering we see, the more we live through. And whats the point of everything else?
I spend so much time in books, so much time on intellectual pursuits, but does it help anyone? I know all the arguments for academic study, and how it can make us to better serve others....but sometimes the answers aren't enough. Sometimes it doesn't matter how much we know, how many degrees we have....if we have not set the captives free, given the blind sight, the mute a voice, the naked clothes, if we have not loved, it is all worthless.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Cave
I am trapped. I am trapped cold, alone, naked, and sick in a cave. There is only one entrance to the cave five feet above me, and by its lowly light I can see my surroundings. On all sides, slippery smooth granite walls, wet from an eternal rain shower, whose water does not fill the cave but simply goes down cracks in the floor. I stretch out my arms reaching for the light, and my hands slip and slide off the walls. I jump, hit, run, and reach and am no closer to the top, still always a finite distance away, which might as well be infinite for I will never reach the top.
I shiver in the cold, and cough up blood; I will die in here. There is no hope of escape, no chance of reaching out. I am here cold, alone, and naked, all my flaws wide visible, no spot in the cave to hide, no chance to escape my shame. And so I lay upon the ground, my head upon the hard rock, and submit to my deadly fate.
As the world around begins to dim, and my death is assured, the light above slowly fades, to reappear….here! Within the cave! Upon the cold ground of the cave is the sum of all light, full of grace and love. My eyes burn in pain, and I weep that I should be found this way, I pray for a quick death to not suffer anymore, when the coldness passes away, my sickness drains, and a garment falls upon my skin.
I look down upon myself and see I wear a robe of purest white. Warmth fills my body, and I feel the sickness pass away, and I turn to see behind me another man has entered within. He now kneels naked, shivering cold, and shaking with illness. He looks directly at my eyes, his eternal grey, and stands. A smile so sorrowful and yet so loving fills his face and he speaks with words soft as whispers, “Give me your foot and let me lift you up and out of this cave.”
I know not why, but I am brought to call him Lord and say, “No lord, no I will not leave you here. Here have this robe of mine!”
“You do not know what you say,” the Lord speaks, “that robe is mine, and I have given it to you, and thus I am naked. I healed you, and so I am sick. I warmed you, and so I am cold, and now I will lift you that I may die.”
“No Lord!” I sob and cry, my face buries in his naked chest, “I cannot let you Lord! You do not deserve this, you have done nothing deserving, and I have done everything!”
He looks at me and sighs. Without asking again he lifts me up and out of the cave. And as I turn to look back within, I see him fall upon the ground and he breathes his last. My Lord has died that I might live. My God traded spaces that I would not be away from him. Praise be to God. Amen
I shiver in the cold, and cough up blood; I will die in here. There is no hope of escape, no chance of reaching out. I am here cold, alone, and naked, all my flaws wide visible, no spot in the cave to hide, no chance to escape my shame. And so I lay upon the ground, my head upon the hard rock, and submit to my deadly fate.
As the world around begins to dim, and my death is assured, the light above slowly fades, to reappear….here! Within the cave! Upon the cold ground of the cave is the sum of all light, full of grace and love. My eyes burn in pain, and I weep that I should be found this way, I pray for a quick death to not suffer anymore, when the coldness passes away, my sickness drains, and a garment falls upon my skin.
I look down upon myself and see I wear a robe of purest white. Warmth fills my body, and I feel the sickness pass away, and I turn to see behind me another man has entered within. He now kneels naked, shivering cold, and shaking with illness. He looks directly at my eyes, his eternal grey, and stands. A smile so sorrowful and yet so loving fills his face and he speaks with words soft as whispers, “Give me your foot and let me lift you up and out of this cave.”
I know not why, but I am brought to call him Lord and say, “No lord, no I will not leave you here. Here have this robe of mine!”
“You do not know what you say,” the Lord speaks, “that robe is mine, and I have given it to you, and thus I am naked. I healed you, and so I am sick. I warmed you, and so I am cold, and now I will lift you that I may die.”
“No Lord!” I sob and cry, my face buries in his naked chest, “I cannot let you Lord! You do not deserve this, you have done nothing deserving, and I have done everything!”
He looks at me and sighs. Without asking again he lifts me up and out of the cave. And as I turn to look back within, I see him fall upon the ground and he breathes his last. My Lord has died that I might live. My God traded spaces that I would not be away from him. Praise be to God. Amen
Ash Wednesday
As I begin the slow and painful descent from the mountain of the Transfiguration into the valley of Lent I am struck by darkness, a deeper and darker night than any other Lent before. Maybe it is because I am in a deeper wilderness here, or maybe it is because the Church lacks the same presence here, or maybe night is finally falling, the night when no man can work.
While the world moves on with its daily life, and unfortunately much of the church does the same, I find myself wallowing in the ashes, the shards of my life strewn about like so many shattered pots and the truth "from dust you are and to dust you will return" echoing in my ears like a ghostly toning bell, reminding me of a quote from Donne, "never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."
A cacophony of eerie ringing resounds in the night as all are brought to dust and ash. All are laid low in the deadly night, sin their mortal wound. Ash Wednesday is a day of reflection upon the dark state of humanity without Christ. Without Christ we are all dust, we are all dead, we are all nothing. As the imposition of ashes occurs we shout and fall down acknowledging that we are not good enough, smart enough, brave enough. We acknowledge that we are dead and lost without Christ.
Very few people seem to like Ash Wednesday, and the season of Lent in general. Lent is a time of dark and sorrowful wandering in the wilderness of our own souls. Lent calls us to stop our busy self distracting, self destructive lives and take stock of who and what we are and to see in stark clarity all our flaws, failings, and setbacks. Lent is not fun, it is not happy, but it is true. We are all lost in a dark and frightening wilderness of our own souls, and in Lent we come to realize and acknowledge that we are powerless, broken, and helpless.
And because we are all dead and helpless, Christ came down and was incarnate, and met us in our darkness, met us in our helplessness, and traded places with us. Let us ponder these 40 days on where we are without Christ, and acknowledge all those dark and secret things that plagues us, and let us lay them down on the altar of our broken selves, and praise God for sending His one and only Son to die for us. Let us prepare for that Holy Mystery in which Life died that we may live, and continually remember that we are all dust and ash without Him who died for us all. Amen
While the world moves on with its daily life, and unfortunately much of the church does the same, I find myself wallowing in the ashes, the shards of my life strewn about like so many shattered pots and the truth "from dust you are and to dust you will return" echoing in my ears like a ghostly toning bell, reminding me of a quote from Donne, "never send to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee."
A cacophony of eerie ringing resounds in the night as all are brought to dust and ash. All are laid low in the deadly night, sin their mortal wound. Ash Wednesday is a day of reflection upon the dark state of humanity without Christ. Without Christ we are all dust, we are all dead, we are all nothing. As the imposition of ashes occurs we shout and fall down acknowledging that we are not good enough, smart enough, brave enough. We acknowledge that we are dead and lost without Christ.
Very few people seem to like Ash Wednesday, and the season of Lent in general. Lent is a time of dark and sorrowful wandering in the wilderness of our own souls. Lent calls us to stop our busy self distracting, self destructive lives and take stock of who and what we are and to see in stark clarity all our flaws, failings, and setbacks. Lent is not fun, it is not happy, but it is true. We are all lost in a dark and frightening wilderness of our own souls, and in Lent we come to realize and acknowledge that we are powerless, broken, and helpless.
And because we are all dead and helpless, Christ came down and was incarnate, and met us in our darkness, met us in our helplessness, and traded places with us. Let us ponder these 40 days on where we are without Christ, and acknowledge all those dark and secret things that plagues us, and let us lay them down on the altar of our broken selves, and praise God for sending His one and only Son to die for us. Let us prepare for that Holy Mystery in which Life died that we may live, and continually remember that we are all dust and ash without Him who died for us all. Amen
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Meaningless Physics
"'Meaningless, meaningless' says the teacher" or rather the student, in this case.
As most of you may know I am working on my PhD in physics, and as some of you know I am doing it at a secular institution, where as my undergrad was at a "Lutheran" university. The question of Valpo's Lutheran affiliation aside, there were still plenty of strong Christians there who influenced me deeply, and it is in these thoughts of comparison that I come to find physics absolutely meaningless and depressing.
Physics in an of itself is not evil or bad. It is the study of the created world, and if we take that Creation is good than the study of it cannot be inherently wrong. Instead the philosophy which dwells behind the physics of today makes it wicked, the paradigm by which modern physics views the world contaminates it and makes it worthless.
To put it flatly and as controversial as possible, physics which denies the Trinity and His work within the universe is worthless and a meaningless endeavor. Now there are plenty of ways to argue the point, but the one I wish to consider now is that of experience. In undergrad when I was studying physics in a Christian atmosphere, where a base axiom was that the Trinity works in the world, physics was beautiful. Physics described the universe, and in doing so instilled a wonder of creation and therefore the Creator. Physics done in the Christian sense also acknowledged that there are things that exist outside of our human experience and therefore we recognized eternity and realized that this material world is not all there is. Physics actually mattered then. Rather than it being the study of something that will cease and is fleeting, we were studying something solid, eternal. Physics in the action of understanding the material instilled insight into the immaterial and therefore the immortal.
But not so in the secular environment. Physics in the secular paradigm is the study of only that which we can perceive, and therefore that which will decay and die, that which will not last, and that which does not matter in the final assessment. If the here and now is all we have, if material existence is it than life is meaningless. Who cares if we understand the universe if that knowledge will just die with us? what does it matter how we act as scientist if there is no ultimate judge? Secular physics is meaningless. In denying the existance of something it cannot explain, it makes itself worthless.
I find studying physics at a secular institution terribly painful and depressing. The predominate paradigm within the department sees only this and nothing beyond, and therefore life is a meaningless toil through terribly painful work to get a degree then a job, accomplish nothing and die and disappear....how can anyone live with the secular view? how aweful! how terrible! And so I find my physics department depressing. Lord open the eyes of the blind that they may have Life and have it abundantly. Amen
As most of you may know I am working on my PhD in physics, and as some of you know I am doing it at a secular institution, where as my undergrad was at a "Lutheran" university. The question of Valpo's Lutheran affiliation aside, there were still plenty of strong Christians there who influenced me deeply, and it is in these thoughts of comparison that I come to find physics absolutely meaningless and depressing.
Physics in an of itself is not evil or bad. It is the study of the created world, and if we take that Creation is good than the study of it cannot be inherently wrong. Instead the philosophy which dwells behind the physics of today makes it wicked, the paradigm by which modern physics views the world contaminates it and makes it worthless.
To put it flatly and as controversial as possible, physics which denies the Trinity and His work within the universe is worthless and a meaningless endeavor. Now there are plenty of ways to argue the point, but the one I wish to consider now is that of experience. In undergrad when I was studying physics in a Christian atmosphere, where a base axiom was that the Trinity works in the world, physics was beautiful. Physics described the universe, and in doing so instilled a wonder of creation and therefore the Creator. Physics done in the Christian sense also acknowledged that there are things that exist outside of our human experience and therefore we recognized eternity and realized that this material world is not all there is. Physics actually mattered then. Rather than it being the study of something that will cease and is fleeting, we were studying something solid, eternal. Physics in the action of understanding the material instilled insight into the immaterial and therefore the immortal.
But not so in the secular environment. Physics in the secular paradigm is the study of only that which we can perceive, and therefore that which will decay and die, that which will not last, and that which does not matter in the final assessment. If the here and now is all we have, if material existence is it than life is meaningless. Who cares if we understand the universe if that knowledge will just die with us? what does it matter how we act as scientist if there is no ultimate judge? Secular physics is meaningless. In denying the existance of something it cannot explain, it makes itself worthless.
I find studying physics at a secular institution terribly painful and depressing. The predominate paradigm within the department sees only this and nothing beyond, and therefore life is a meaningless toil through terribly painful work to get a degree then a job, accomplish nothing and die and disappear....how can anyone live with the secular view? how aweful! how terrible! And so I find my physics department depressing. Lord open the eyes of the blind that they may have Life and have it abundantly. Amen
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Stars
Tonight I watched the movie stardust again, and it got me thinking and wondering. Why did we ever trade the stars for mercury vapor lamps?
Modern man, of which I am one, seems to have this predilection of being miserable with civilization and technology, and yet also miserable when it is not there. I mean I'm writing this on a laptop, connected wirelessly to the internet in my well lit heated apartment. What irony?
We have perfected being miserable, humans have succeeded in figuring out a way to be miserable with something that we are also miserable without. Some days I am reminded of my true longings and my true desires, you know the ones that dwell deep below the surface of selfish ambition and greed, below the obsession with comfort, with peace, the deep ontological desires that are at the very bed rock of being, those that make the "uncivilized" stare into the sky.
Almost all our entertainment speaks of it. Our movies, our books, our music parades around false realities of heros and adventures, and wonderful worlds that are not as dull and boring as everyday life seems to be. Man desires something more, at the very depths of our hearts we know that there is something else, that there is something bigger, something that can fill a hole gaping in ourselves. Most try to hide the hole, some try to close it with things of this world, some deny that it even exists and parade around with there eyes closed and ears shut so as to not notice. But then there are those like me, who tear that hole open larger, deeper, and rest in the terrible pain of longing that ensues. Because pain seems to be the only thing that seems to wake the anesthetized souls up from their mediocre slumber.
Nothing here can fill the void, or satisfy the hunger. All things here either point us to a Reality beyond, which can fulfill, or mask the longing in self deciving lies and pleasures.
I have found myself fascinated....no, obsessed with stars my entire life. Maybe its their otherworldy nature, their beauty, their mystery, their fertile ground for imagination and wonder, or maybe it is because they are the silent watchmen reminding us that this is not all there is. That our existence, our problems our pains, are not all that is. The stars remind us that there is more, that ther is More, a Reality in which we dwell with the One who created the heavens and the earth, the One who knit into us the wonder of the stars, the One who gave us this insatiable longing for more, and the only One whom can ever satisfy our greatest desire.
Lord satisfy me, for You alone can, and let me dance among the stars to the uncreated rhythm and be lost and found in Your infinite Glory.
Modern man, of which I am one, seems to have this predilection of being miserable with civilization and technology, and yet also miserable when it is not there. I mean I'm writing this on a laptop, connected wirelessly to the internet in my well lit heated apartment. What irony?
We have perfected being miserable, humans have succeeded in figuring out a way to be miserable with something that we are also miserable without. Some days I am reminded of my true longings and my true desires, you know the ones that dwell deep below the surface of selfish ambition and greed, below the obsession with comfort, with peace, the deep ontological desires that are at the very bed rock of being, those that make the "uncivilized" stare into the sky.
Almost all our entertainment speaks of it. Our movies, our books, our music parades around false realities of heros and adventures, and wonderful worlds that are not as dull and boring as everyday life seems to be. Man desires something more, at the very depths of our hearts we know that there is something else, that there is something bigger, something that can fill a hole gaping in ourselves. Most try to hide the hole, some try to close it with things of this world, some deny that it even exists and parade around with there eyes closed and ears shut so as to not notice. But then there are those like me, who tear that hole open larger, deeper, and rest in the terrible pain of longing that ensues. Because pain seems to be the only thing that seems to wake the anesthetized souls up from their mediocre slumber.
Nothing here can fill the void, or satisfy the hunger. All things here either point us to a Reality beyond, which can fulfill, or mask the longing in self deciving lies and pleasures.
I have found myself fascinated....no, obsessed with stars my entire life. Maybe its their otherworldy nature, their beauty, their mystery, their fertile ground for imagination and wonder, or maybe it is because they are the silent watchmen reminding us that this is not all there is. That our existence, our problems our pains, are not all that is. The stars remind us that there is more, that ther is More, a Reality in which we dwell with the One who created the heavens and the earth, the One who knit into us the wonder of the stars, the One who gave us this insatiable longing for more, and the only One whom can ever satisfy our greatest desire.
Lord satisfy me, for You alone can, and let me dance among the stars to the uncreated rhythm and be lost and found in Your infinite Glory.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Failures
Recently I had a friend tell me that her biggest fear was failure, and it made me realize two things: we are obsessed with winning, and that I am a failure.
I will now list a few of my most recent failures:
-I lost two very important books to me in my travels over break.
-I have lost 4 out of 4 hockey games in the last 2 weeks.
-In the game I play online I have lost every battle recently
-I got a speeding ticket because I failed to catch a sign saying the speed limit was changing
-I failed to catch that my tabs were expired and I had invalid insurance cards on me.
Now most of these failures are minor and just annoyances, but it got me to thinking deeper and farther back. My failure at sports when I was younger, my failures as a student, my many failures with regards to my family, to my friends. My failures as a Residential minister, my failures as a researcher, quite frankly I realized I have failed at everything.
Why do we fear failure? Despite what society wants us to believe failure is the norm, success is not. Looking at the world we see tons of failure everywhere, from the failure of society to care for the broken, the poor, the sick, to the failure of individuals, the failing economy. The norm of this existence is failure. Thermodynamics and some theories of the universe teach us that the universe tends towards decay, towards failure. One day the earth will fail to sustain life, the sun will fail, and all will tend towards a state of maximum entropy and the entire universe will fail. Failure is the norm and rule of this reality. Sure some may claim some minor victories, but even if you win every battle, every contest even if you are the most successful person on earth ever, your body will fail and you will die. In the end everything you did will be for naught, a complete and total failure.
So whats the point? Why even try if it will all be failure in the end?
Because death and physics do not have the final word. The norm of this reality is not the rule of all. No there is a higher and greater Rule, a Reality which supersedes and permeates our own. It is the Reality of the Resurrection, the Fact of Life Incarnate, the one thing that ever has and ever will matter: Jesus Christ. While we were still yet living in a world of decay, death and damnation, the Life, the Light, came down an was made man. Even while He slept at His mother's bosom failure continued as Herod murdered the innocents, the society deteriorated, death ran rampant, even in the Reality of the Incarnation death claimed its hold. But the miraculous happened, and it began in His ministry. The dead were raised, the blind made to see, the lame made to walk. All the failure, all the decay began to turn back, Life had come and death was fleeing! In one more attempt to rule this world and set all to destruction and failure death claimed Christ, satan worked his tyranny to kill Life. But in the moment of the darkness apparent victory Life rose up to deal the killing blow. Death died on the cross, and satan was utterly destroyed. The enemies fought, and lost! Christ rose on the third day and Life claimed its victory. The Life came into the world and abolished death, destroyed the immanent failure of life and replaced it with the victory that is Life.
So whats the point? Why even try if it will all be failure in the end?
Even though we fail, even though the tyrants of this world still work us woe, we have the final victory. We do not try to succeed, but we try because Christ already has succeeded. We do not have to win, we do not have to succeed, the Victory has already been won by Christ, and so we are called to live in that victory. Even if we fail at our tasks, even if we end up broken on the street, poor, despondent, and shattered remnant of some semblance of what the world calls 'success' we will still have won, we will still have the Victory, for it is not ours to gain or to hold, instead it is Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit through the waters of Holy Baptism. In Baptism we admitted the ultimate failure, we admitted that we were dead, and we sacrificed every vain hope of success in those waters and rose in victory by what Christ has done, and not by any work or deed that we may or may not have done.
We will fail, the world will look at our lives and label them complete failures, empty, a tragic waste, but it will not matter for we have the Life, the Victory in Christ. Fear not failure, for even if the world crumbles around you and everything that was good turns sour, and every venture fails there is still Life found and given through the waters of Baptism, into the One True Life.
I will now list a few of my most recent failures:
-I lost two very important books to me in my travels over break.
-I have lost 4 out of 4 hockey games in the last 2 weeks.
-In the game I play online I have lost every battle recently
-I got a speeding ticket because I failed to catch a sign saying the speed limit was changing
-I failed to catch that my tabs were expired and I had invalid insurance cards on me.
Now most of these failures are minor and just annoyances, but it got me to thinking deeper and farther back. My failure at sports when I was younger, my failures as a student, my many failures with regards to my family, to my friends. My failures as a Residential minister, my failures as a researcher, quite frankly I realized I have failed at everything.
Why do we fear failure? Despite what society wants us to believe failure is the norm, success is not. Looking at the world we see tons of failure everywhere, from the failure of society to care for the broken, the poor, the sick, to the failure of individuals, the failing economy. The norm of this existence is failure. Thermodynamics and some theories of the universe teach us that the universe tends towards decay, towards failure. One day the earth will fail to sustain life, the sun will fail, and all will tend towards a state of maximum entropy and the entire universe will fail. Failure is the norm and rule of this reality. Sure some may claim some minor victories, but even if you win every battle, every contest even if you are the most successful person on earth ever, your body will fail and you will die. In the end everything you did will be for naught, a complete and total failure.
So whats the point? Why even try if it will all be failure in the end?
Because death and physics do not have the final word. The norm of this reality is not the rule of all. No there is a higher and greater Rule, a Reality which supersedes and permeates our own. It is the Reality of the Resurrection, the Fact of Life Incarnate, the one thing that ever has and ever will matter: Jesus Christ. While we were still yet living in a world of decay, death and damnation, the Life, the Light, came down an was made man. Even while He slept at His mother's bosom failure continued as Herod murdered the innocents, the society deteriorated, death ran rampant, even in the Reality of the Incarnation death claimed its hold. But the miraculous happened, and it began in His ministry. The dead were raised, the blind made to see, the lame made to walk. All the failure, all the decay began to turn back, Life had come and death was fleeing! In one more attempt to rule this world and set all to destruction and failure death claimed Christ, satan worked his tyranny to kill Life. But in the moment of the darkness apparent victory Life rose up to deal the killing blow. Death died on the cross, and satan was utterly destroyed. The enemies fought, and lost! Christ rose on the third day and Life claimed its victory. The Life came into the world and abolished death, destroyed the immanent failure of life and replaced it with the victory that is Life.
So whats the point? Why even try if it will all be failure in the end?
Even though we fail, even though the tyrants of this world still work us woe, we have the final victory. We do not try to succeed, but we try because Christ already has succeeded. We do not have to win, we do not have to succeed, the Victory has already been won by Christ, and so we are called to live in that victory. Even if we fail at our tasks, even if we end up broken on the street, poor, despondent, and shattered remnant of some semblance of what the world calls 'success' we will still have won, we will still have the Victory, for it is not ours to gain or to hold, instead it is Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit through the waters of Holy Baptism. In Baptism we admitted the ultimate failure, we admitted that we were dead, and we sacrificed every vain hope of success in those waters and rose in victory by what Christ has done, and not by any work or deed that we may or may not have done.
We will fail, the world will look at our lives and label them complete failures, empty, a tragic waste, but it will not matter for we have the Life, the Victory in Christ. Fear not failure, for even if the world crumbles around you and everything that was good turns sour, and every venture fails there is still Life found and given through the waters of Baptism, into the One True Life.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Returning Reflections- Valpo
As my time of returning to Valpo is passing midway and approaching the end I find myself reflecting and contemplating on Valpo, my time here as an undergraduate and my time here now. Much has stayed the same since graduating, and much has changed.
One thing that has stayed the same, and probably will always be the same is my love of the place. The happy memories, the friends, the chapel, Christ College, the strong values and unique perspective on the world. Valpo was the place in which I truly learned who I am and came into my own. I moved out from under the shadow of teachers and parents and truly stood up for the first time as myself. There were many triumphs, and many failures, joys and depressions, yet I would not trade any of it for the world.
When I came back I expected to find many people that I knew, many friends, but I found something different, a community of people I barely knew. I found out on returning that so many of my friends, so many of my loved ones either graduated with me, or before me. There are of course some people left, but far fewer than I realized. And now in the midst of new faces I see ghosts of the past, of times when I was first learning to live on my own, learning to be a college student, my first all nighter. Valpo is a place of living ghosts, even while new memories are made and present joys are experienced I find the ghosts of the past. I sit in the library commons in the wonderful orange chairs staring out into the snow and feel such ecstasy, all the time remembering the activities fairs, the church voc meetings, the midnight strolls gazing up into the sky wishing for things that never will be. What a haunted ecstasy!
Valpo is not the same place. The old union is closed, the new union is open. It is a massive place of modern design and immaculate sterilness. I am sure it will be great and students will love it, but it is not my Valpo, it is not the dim and dark corners of worn out benches and stained carpet, much loved crevices of solitude, or of intimacy. Valpo is different and yet the same.
And the people are different, those individuals who made my time at Valpo so wonderful are changing. Friends are moving on, getting married, off to different parts of the world, and all things are different, and yet there is still a deep nostalgia, a deep love that unites us together in past shared experiences, unites us in love for Valpo.
I can never return to my Valpo. The place has changed, the people have changed, and no matter how wonderful the times were that place is gone. Returning reminds me of those things, and brings a warmth to my heart, but I am no fool. I know that these feelings are fleeting and cannot be held onto, that I must move on with my life, not living in the past, but living in a way that reflects the past.
Father, may I live in a way which reflects my time at Valpo, a life of love and service, a life of uniting faith and knowledge, of acting in ways that reflect belief and as a shining beacon in a world of darkness. 'In luce tua videmus lucem' In thy Light we see light. May I ever live in the Light and let my life be a reflection of the Light. May I live a life worthy of the ideals of Valpo, one in which the Light effects all aspects of my being and that I may be a city on a hill, the salt of the earth, a true disciple of Christ. Amen
One thing that has stayed the same, and probably will always be the same is my love of the place. The happy memories, the friends, the chapel, Christ College, the strong values and unique perspective on the world. Valpo was the place in which I truly learned who I am and came into my own. I moved out from under the shadow of teachers and parents and truly stood up for the first time as myself. There were many triumphs, and many failures, joys and depressions, yet I would not trade any of it for the world.
When I came back I expected to find many people that I knew, many friends, but I found something different, a community of people I barely knew. I found out on returning that so many of my friends, so many of my loved ones either graduated with me, or before me. There are of course some people left, but far fewer than I realized. And now in the midst of new faces I see ghosts of the past, of times when I was first learning to live on my own, learning to be a college student, my first all nighter. Valpo is a place of living ghosts, even while new memories are made and present joys are experienced I find the ghosts of the past. I sit in the library commons in the wonderful orange chairs staring out into the snow and feel such ecstasy, all the time remembering the activities fairs, the church voc meetings, the midnight strolls gazing up into the sky wishing for things that never will be. What a haunted ecstasy!
Valpo is not the same place. The old union is closed, the new union is open. It is a massive place of modern design and immaculate sterilness. I am sure it will be great and students will love it, but it is not my Valpo, it is not the dim and dark corners of worn out benches and stained carpet, much loved crevices of solitude, or of intimacy. Valpo is different and yet the same.
And the people are different, those individuals who made my time at Valpo so wonderful are changing. Friends are moving on, getting married, off to different parts of the world, and all things are different, and yet there is still a deep nostalgia, a deep love that unites us together in past shared experiences, unites us in love for Valpo.
I can never return to my Valpo. The place has changed, the people have changed, and no matter how wonderful the times were that place is gone. Returning reminds me of those things, and brings a warmth to my heart, but I am no fool. I know that these feelings are fleeting and cannot be held onto, that I must move on with my life, not living in the past, but living in a way that reflects the past.
Father, may I live in a way which reflects my time at Valpo, a life of love and service, a life of uniting faith and knowledge, of acting in ways that reflect belief and as a shining beacon in a world of darkness. 'In luce tua videmus lucem' In thy Light we see light. May I ever live in the Light and let my life be a reflection of the Light. May I live a life worthy of the ideals of Valpo, one in which the Light effects all aspects of my being and that I may be a city on a hill, the salt of the earth, a true disciple of Christ. Amen
Monday, January 5, 2009
Cabin Fever, balance and Valpo
Now I do love my family, and like the place I grew up- my parents place- but I found myself this break experiencing immense cabin fever. Every time I go home it seems to get worse, because every time I go home the less and less its like the place I grew up. My friends have moved out and aren't around, the places I used to go to are in some cases gone, or changed in a very unfamiliar way, and this all adds to me experiencing a restlessness. I mean it is a great place to visit, for a time, but I don't know if I can call it home. It has nothing to do with family, instead it is the fact that it has become foreign to me. There are new faces in the places I worked, there are new buildings, new sights, just new every where. It is foreign to me, and how can we call the foreign home? It is now my parents place, and my home is in WA.
What does this have to do with cabin fever? Well over break there were things I wanted to get done, which are easy to do in WA because of how my place is and the familiarity. At my parents place there was an unfamiliarity which made me feel unable to do work, and in turn made me restless. I want to make clear that I am not making a judgement on places, neither is better than the other, but they are different, and therefore my interaction is differently. There is no quiet sanctum of prayer at solitude at my parent's place like at mine, but they have a huge TV and cable so I can watch the Red Wings. Both places are good but in different ways. I think that this difference and this foreignness brought me to a terrible case of cabin fever after about a week. I experience the same thing every time I go on vacation to a different place whether it be MI, or Mexico or Germany. I get restless after about a week of being somewhere and want to go home.
To continue on this train of self discovery, I discovered something about myself when I was on the train from MI to Valpo: I thrive on balance. Now when most people hear the I triple majored in physics, theology, and math they assume that I am crazy and must have had a miserable time of it...but they are wrong. I am finding that I am far less fulfilled and enjoying school doing one subject than I was when I was doing three. Such a terribly specialized focused study is unbalanced. It does not engage all parts of being and so leaves me(and maybe every body) unfulfilled. So far in my life, the most fulfilling and enjoyable times were those where I would be discussing trinitarian theology while calculating the ground state energies of a perturbed hydrogen atom.
I am a hybrid creature, a being dwelling in the thermocline of Reality and reality. In order to be happy I need to be rooted in the Real even while exploring the real. Now I may be unique, but I don't think so. I think that all humans are this hybrid creature, and most of our depression and sorrow arises because we either try to live in the real, or the Real, and never realize that we were made for both. We need balance.
I am visiting Valpo currently which is of course doing a number on my heart and soul. I love this place, the calm warmness of the Christopher Center commons, with the wonderful orange chairs, the peaceful contemplative narthex of the Chapel of the Resurrection, and of course the glorious awe inspiring Christus Rex and stained glass windows. It feels so terribly good to be back, and yet it inspires a nostalgic sadness as I realize that this Valpo is not my Valpo. There is a new Union(which is amazing) a new pastor, and tons of new things, as well as a lack of most of my friends. It is a similar place, but not the same, and it saddens me with the realization that my Valpo will never be again. Which is fine, it is all part of growing up, but I still can be sad about it.
Well time to go and enjoy some valpo cuisine and to just be happy being here again and seeing some friends at least.
What does this have to do with cabin fever? Well over break there were things I wanted to get done, which are easy to do in WA because of how my place is and the familiarity. At my parents place there was an unfamiliarity which made me feel unable to do work, and in turn made me restless. I want to make clear that I am not making a judgement on places, neither is better than the other, but they are different, and therefore my interaction is differently. There is no quiet sanctum of prayer at solitude at my parent's place like at mine, but they have a huge TV and cable so I can watch the Red Wings. Both places are good but in different ways. I think that this difference and this foreignness brought me to a terrible case of cabin fever after about a week. I experience the same thing every time I go on vacation to a different place whether it be MI, or Mexico or Germany. I get restless after about a week of being somewhere and want to go home.
To continue on this train of self discovery, I discovered something about myself when I was on the train from MI to Valpo: I thrive on balance. Now when most people hear the I triple majored in physics, theology, and math they assume that I am crazy and must have had a miserable time of it...but they are wrong. I am finding that I am far less fulfilled and enjoying school doing one subject than I was when I was doing three. Such a terribly specialized focused study is unbalanced. It does not engage all parts of being and so leaves me(and maybe every body) unfulfilled. So far in my life, the most fulfilling and enjoyable times were those where I would be discussing trinitarian theology while calculating the ground state energies of a perturbed hydrogen atom.
I am a hybrid creature, a being dwelling in the thermocline of Reality and reality. In order to be happy I need to be rooted in the Real even while exploring the real. Now I may be unique, but I don't think so. I think that all humans are this hybrid creature, and most of our depression and sorrow arises because we either try to live in the real, or the Real, and never realize that we were made for both. We need balance.
I am visiting Valpo currently which is of course doing a number on my heart and soul. I love this place, the calm warmness of the Christopher Center commons, with the wonderful orange chairs, the peaceful contemplative narthex of the Chapel of the Resurrection, and of course the glorious awe inspiring Christus Rex and stained glass windows. It feels so terribly good to be back, and yet it inspires a nostalgic sadness as I realize that this Valpo is not my Valpo. There is a new Union(which is amazing) a new pastor, and tons of new things, as well as a lack of most of my friends. It is a similar place, but not the same, and it saddens me with the realization that my Valpo will never be again. Which is fine, it is all part of growing up, but I still can be sad about it.
Well time to go and enjoy some valpo cuisine and to just be happy being here again and seeing some friends at least.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I know this is stoning worthy....but I hate christmas music
Now before you begin throwing stones at me, just hold on and let me explain...and because my mind is a sparatic nutso, I am going to use a list that may not flow logically from one point to another at all...
- To begin, christmas music, is not Christmas music. Small c, christmas, music is those absolutely annoying jingles about sleigh rides, santa, and snowmen. Now I will admit at one point they were catchy and I sort of liked them, but after having them played on the radio for 3 monthes a year for the last 21 years have made them lose their charm. I know the numbers may be an exaggeration, but radio stations now adays start playing them right after Reformation Day, if not before. I am disgusted with hearing them, and the 50 variations upon the same theme. Come on people, how many artists(and I use the term loosely) are going to make a rendition of santa claus is coming to town.
- Beyond being annoying, the jingles detract from the true nature of Christmas, and turn it into a secularized hallmark holiday. Yes thats right, I just classified christmas with sweetest day, valentines day, and all the other hallmark holidays. To prove my point we can look at the origin of many popular holiday music and see it finds its origin in advertising and schemes by companies to make more money. The entire holiday focuses on greed and stimulating the economy. The invention of santa claus is probably the most horrific sin of the 20th century. Why you may ask? Because rather than just causing physical death, like war, santa claus has caused hundreds of millions of people to be led into greed, into sin, into forgetting what Christmas really is. I know its not the only reason, but the invention of santa is one of the causes of the death of Christmas.
Christmas is a Christian feast day following the fast season of advent. Up until december 25th the Church sits in waiting and preparation for the coming King, both the rememberance of His first coming and in expectation of His second coming. The feast season of Christmas doesnt begin until december 25th, and it is a short stint before epiphany. It's time for Christians to reclaim their feast from the pagans, because despite what most americans think, they don't celebrate Christmas! they celebrate x-mas, or whatever other bastardation of the Feast of the Incarnation that removes the incarnation all together!
now you may be saying ok, I agree lets not stone him, or you may have already stopped reading and thrown a few boulders my direction, but time to move from the obvious wretched part of the holiday, to a more subtle, dangerous, and painful criticism of the Christian practice of Christmas. So we are moving from the secular holiday christmas, which needs to be abolished, and removed from the bastardizing power of satan in world, and into the Christian feast day. So lets see what trouble I can get myself into...
- The celebration of the Feast of the Incarnation has historically been within the church a culmination of the fast of Advent. Now adays Churches have a tendency to try and skip advent and jump into Christmas. Churches put up Christmas trees(whose symbolism needs to be reestablished and explained) at the beginning of Advent, if not sooner. While not common yet, I know that many congregations try and push into Christmas hymns during Advent, totally missing the point of Advent.
- Advent is a fast of preparation and contemplation, a fast of waiting. We eagerly await the coming King, and prepare for Him through patient waiting, prayer, fasting, and singing hymns of longing. I feel as though most congregations would rather skip the season and jump into Christmas.
Why? Because we are an impatient people who as a church have begun to forget what it means to prepare and wait in eager expectation. We have bought into sociteies obsessive desire for things right now, for immediacy. We have forgotten the good of longing, of desire, of fasting.
I hate christmas music....because it seeks to destroy the Rememberance of the Incarnation, and turn it into a celebration of the god of money. I loath Christmas music, because it reminds me how we as a church are forgetting to fast and ever seeking to live in 'happy times'.
Christ was not made incarnate because he likes peace and good will towards men, He did not come to earth to make us never want, to make life into a pastoral scene in which animals dont smell and dont make a mess. No, Christ came to suffer and die. We tend to forget the truth of Christ's coming because it makes us feel all warm inside if we say he came to bring peace and good will, that he didnt come to earth the suffer and die for our sins. Yes the incarnation is a glorious miracle which we should sing about and praise, but we must never forget why Christ came, why the immortal ineffable deity became frail mortal flesh.
Let us reclaim Christmas and banish the disgusting perversion that is the feast of greedy consumerism. Let us wait in bitter longing during advent and feel a painful waiting, let us stand up for Christ and His incarnation, and turn from ourselves, and our own desires for peace and good feelings, and serve God, rather than demand that he serve our own desires.
Lord, let me wait in bitter longing with eager expectation for your second coming, even as I await to celebrate your Incarnation and birth. May I cease to abuse your feast for my own good feelings, and remember the true nature of your coming to earth, to suffer and die for our sins. I praise and glorify your Holy Name and remember your cross this holiday season. Amen
- To begin, christmas music, is not Christmas music. Small c, christmas, music is those absolutely annoying jingles about sleigh rides, santa, and snowmen. Now I will admit at one point they were catchy and I sort of liked them, but after having them played on the radio for 3 monthes a year for the last 21 years have made them lose their charm. I know the numbers may be an exaggeration, but radio stations now adays start playing them right after Reformation Day, if not before. I am disgusted with hearing them, and the 50 variations upon the same theme. Come on people, how many artists(and I use the term loosely) are going to make a rendition of santa claus is coming to town.
- Beyond being annoying, the jingles detract from the true nature of Christmas, and turn it into a secularized hallmark holiday. Yes thats right, I just classified christmas with sweetest day, valentines day, and all the other hallmark holidays. To prove my point we can look at the origin of many popular holiday music and see it finds its origin in advertising and schemes by companies to make more money. The entire holiday focuses on greed and stimulating the economy. The invention of santa claus is probably the most horrific sin of the 20th century. Why you may ask? Because rather than just causing physical death, like war, santa claus has caused hundreds of millions of people to be led into greed, into sin, into forgetting what Christmas really is. I know its not the only reason, but the invention of santa is one of the causes of the death of Christmas.
Christmas is a Christian feast day following the fast season of advent. Up until december 25th the Church sits in waiting and preparation for the coming King, both the rememberance of His first coming and in expectation of His second coming. The feast season of Christmas doesnt begin until december 25th, and it is a short stint before epiphany. It's time for Christians to reclaim their feast from the pagans, because despite what most americans think, they don't celebrate Christmas! they celebrate x-mas, or whatever other bastardation of the Feast of the Incarnation that removes the incarnation all together!
now you may be saying ok, I agree lets not stone him, or you may have already stopped reading and thrown a few boulders my direction, but time to move from the obvious wretched part of the holiday, to a more subtle, dangerous, and painful criticism of the Christian practice of Christmas. So we are moving from the secular holiday christmas, which needs to be abolished, and removed from the bastardizing power of satan in world, and into the Christian feast day. So lets see what trouble I can get myself into...
- The celebration of the Feast of the Incarnation has historically been within the church a culmination of the fast of Advent. Now adays Churches have a tendency to try and skip advent and jump into Christmas. Churches put up Christmas trees(whose symbolism needs to be reestablished and explained) at the beginning of Advent, if not sooner. While not common yet, I know that many congregations try and push into Christmas hymns during Advent, totally missing the point of Advent.
- Advent is a fast of preparation and contemplation, a fast of waiting. We eagerly await the coming King, and prepare for Him through patient waiting, prayer, fasting, and singing hymns of longing. I feel as though most congregations would rather skip the season and jump into Christmas.
Why? Because we are an impatient people who as a church have begun to forget what it means to prepare and wait in eager expectation. We have bought into sociteies obsessive desire for things right now, for immediacy. We have forgotten the good of longing, of desire, of fasting.
I hate christmas music....because it seeks to destroy the Rememberance of the Incarnation, and turn it into a celebration of the god of money. I loath Christmas music, because it reminds me how we as a church are forgetting to fast and ever seeking to live in 'happy times'.
Christ was not made incarnate because he likes peace and good will towards men, He did not come to earth to make us never want, to make life into a pastoral scene in which animals dont smell and dont make a mess. No, Christ came to suffer and die. We tend to forget the truth of Christ's coming because it makes us feel all warm inside if we say he came to bring peace and good will, that he didnt come to earth the suffer and die for our sins. Yes the incarnation is a glorious miracle which we should sing about and praise, but we must never forget why Christ came, why the immortal ineffable deity became frail mortal flesh.
Let us reclaim Christmas and banish the disgusting perversion that is the feast of greedy consumerism. Let us wait in bitter longing during advent and feel a painful waiting, let us stand up for Christ and His incarnation, and turn from ourselves, and our own desires for peace and good feelings, and serve God, rather than demand that he serve our own desires.
Lord, let me wait in bitter longing with eager expectation for your second coming, even as I await to celebrate your Incarnation and birth. May I cease to abuse your feast for my own good feelings, and remember the true nature of your coming to earth, to suffer and die for our sins. I praise and glorify your Holy Name and remember your cross this holiday season. Amen
Saturday, December 20, 2008
traveling agnst
I am currently sitting in the Spokane airport waiting for a flight to get me out of here, and I have been waiting since 6:30am, and wont even know if I can get on a light til 3:05pm......over 9 hours of waiting in an airport.....sigh.
So I am continuing this post in Chicago, which I got to 36 hours after I left from Pullman. Ugh traveling sucks. But highlights....
-I got upgraded to first class on my flight from Spokane to Phoenix, and oh how wonderful it was :-). What a wonderful, and probably once in a lifetime treat. There were free drinks, the seats were comfortable, and there was tons of leg room......sigh, it was wonderful.
- In Phoenix it looked like I would be stuck again, the plane had to cancel 4 spots because of weight restrictions, and things were looking sour, when at the last minute there were a few cancellations and I got on :-).
- It is great being in Chicago again, I've missed it alot, and am extremely excited to see Hugs and Rizzo and whoever else is around...still not sure of who all is here.
- I stayed at the Wyndham hotel because I couldnt get picked up at night, and well..it was also wonderful. The bed was exceptionally good, and their restaurant has wonderful coffee....which I am enjoying as I write this along with some soup. I really should write more often, it is good for the soul, like a good cup of coffee or scotch.
- Did I say I got upgraded to 1st class for free? :-) Wonderfulness
But alas and alack I will end this post to begin a more critical and cranky one.
So I am continuing this post in Chicago, which I got to 36 hours after I left from Pullman. Ugh traveling sucks. But highlights....
-I got upgraded to first class on my flight from Spokane to Phoenix, and oh how wonderful it was :-). What a wonderful, and probably once in a lifetime treat. There were free drinks, the seats were comfortable, and there was tons of leg room......sigh, it was wonderful.
- In Phoenix it looked like I would be stuck again, the plane had to cancel 4 spots because of weight restrictions, and things were looking sour, when at the last minute there were a few cancellations and I got on :-).
- It is great being in Chicago again, I've missed it alot, and am extremely excited to see Hugs and Rizzo and whoever else is around...still not sure of who all is here.
- I stayed at the Wyndham hotel because I couldnt get picked up at night, and well..it was also wonderful. The bed was exceptionally good, and their restaurant has wonderful coffee....which I am enjoying as I write this along with some soup. I really should write more often, it is good for the soul, like a good cup of coffee or scotch.
- Did I say I got upgraded to 1st class for free? :-) Wonderfulness
But alas and alack I will end this post to begin a more critical and cranky one.
Monday, December 8, 2008
labor
It is fascinating how manual labor can be so refreshing, and so rewarding, in the midst of a life of study, and mental abuse.
Grad school is like boot camp for the mind. In boot camp they push you to physical limits and break you down in order to build you up, here in grad school I find that they beat your brain to a pulp with a large amount of complicated and extremely taxing mental labor, plus I sometimes believe that grad profs find profound glee in tormenting grad students and giving grades like 65/170 and calling that a B+.
In the midst of this tremendous difficulty, and new mental landscape I find myself not finding comfort where I once did. In undergrad where I had mental power left after doing school work for reading and writing, I find that my mind cannot contemplate anything after the extreme stress of my work and therefore I find myself in need of a new method of maintaining sanity. And surprisingly manual labor has risen as an answer.
Well I should probably realize that it is not surprising given my studies and my predilection to monasticism. 'Ora et labora' The cry of the Benedictine order, work and prayer. The Benedictine's follow a rule of balance, a rule of simplicity. They pray, study, and work; a life which most of us can't imagine, believing it drab and dull, or difficult. Yet I continually find myself returning with joy to patterns of life that I had while living among the Benedictines. Prayer, maual labor, study: It seems that when all these things come into balance life is slightly less crazy, and my sanity is more well maintained. Maybe there is something deeply ingrained in human nature that requires all three, without which there is dissonance.
And yet also the Benedictines teach us that while these three seem separate, they are in fact, and should be inter related. It is not just ora et labora but also labora cum ora. Not just work and prayer, but work as prayer. We were not meant to live a disjointed unbalanced lives, instead God created us in such a way that we should live in harmony with ourselves and with one another. But this harmony isnt just a balance, or a hermenutical meeting of otherness, but a realiztion of the ways that the other express the self and vice versa. We work and pray, yet also we pray by working. What a joyful comforting realization! That when we strip away all the brokeness and imbalance we can find a place in which working becomes a prayer and a restoration. Coming home to do laundry after having gone to class, taught and graded no longer has to be a stressful and painful thing, instead in the quiet mundaity of laundry, in which I am not thinking of physics or of grades I can begin to simply pray and give thanks for the things God gives me: for clothes, and shelter, clean water, and a way to wash clothes. I find that all the small little things of life become an opportunity of praising God while also finding refreshment and renewal of a grad school weary spirit.
Lord let me always remember you in the little things. Amen
Grad school is like boot camp for the mind. In boot camp they push you to physical limits and break you down in order to build you up, here in grad school I find that they beat your brain to a pulp with a large amount of complicated and extremely taxing mental labor, plus I sometimes believe that grad profs find profound glee in tormenting grad students and giving grades like 65/170 and calling that a B+.
In the midst of this tremendous difficulty, and new mental landscape I find myself not finding comfort where I once did. In undergrad where I had mental power left after doing school work for reading and writing, I find that my mind cannot contemplate anything after the extreme stress of my work and therefore I find myself in need of a new method of maintaining sanity. And surprisingly manual labor has risen as an answer.
Well I should probably realize that it is not surprising given my studies and my predilection to monasticism. 'Ora et labora' The cry of the Benedictine order, work and prayer. The Benedictine's follow a rule of balance, a rule of simplicity. They pray, study, and work; a life which most of us can't imagine, believing it drab and dull, or difficult. Yet I continually find myself returning with joy to patterns of life that I had while living among the Benedictines. Prayer, maual labor, study: It seems that when all these things come into balance life is slightly less crazy, and my sanity is more well maintained. Maybe there is something deeply ingrained in human nature that requires all three, without which there is dissonance.
And yet also the Benedictines teach us that while these three seem separate, they are in fact, and should be inter related. It is not just ora et labora but also labora cum ora. Not just work and prayer, but work as prayer. We were not meant to live a disjointed unbalanced lives, instead God created us in such a way that we should live in harmony with ourselves and with one another. But this harmony isnt just a balance, or a hermenutical meeting of otherness, but a realiztion of the ways that the other express the self and vice versa. We work and pray, yet also we pray by working. What a joyful comforting realization! That when we strip away all the brokeness and imbalance we can find a place in which working becomes a prayer and a restoration. Coming home to do laundry after having gone to class, taught and graded no longer has to be a stressful and painful thing, instead in the quiet mundaity of laundry, in which I am not thinking of physics or of grades I can begin to simply pray and give thanks for the things God gives me: for clothes, and shelter, clean water, and a way to wash clothes. I find that all the small little things of life become an opportunity of praising God while also finding refreshment and renewal of a grad school weary spirit.
Lord let me always remember you in the little things. Amen
Monday, November 24, 2008
Thanks and giving.....the holiday before christmas
As the years go by there seems to be a trend about this time of year. A trend to skip over Thanksgiving, over Advent, and jump straight to christmas. In years past stores resisted putting up christmas decorations and items until after Thanksgiving, radio stations played everyday music til at least Thanksgiving. But now stores have skipped Thanksgiving and some even hand up christmas products before Halloween was even over. A radio station in Detroit started playing Christmas music on November 1st, nearly two months before the holiday, and every ad on TV, the radio, and the paper seems to be about christmas shopping and products. It is interesting that the richest and most greedy population on Earth are the ones who have decided to skip over there own holiday Thanksgiving and go onto a more tolerable holiday of self indulgence, greed, and selfish desire.
Writing on how christmas has lost its meaning in America is a very long and drawn out topic, and is for another time. No, for now is the time of Thanksgiving, despite what the media tells us. It is time for American's to give thanks for what they so abundantly have. It was pointed out to me by a charity worker that even the poorest of the poor in America get more to eat, clean water to drink, and shelter than a good part of the world, I think he said a number even as large as 75%. To realize that even our poorest, most destitute citizens are richer than 75% of the world! And we skip over giving thanks and demand more!
Our economy is shot, we are all afraid of losing money, all our savings, being unable to support our dry houses, our clean water, our daily supply of food. Oh how terrible it is to be an American today! What we as a country spend on our venti half caf lattes a year alone could end world hunger if not more! And yet we think we have a right to pray to God to save our economy, restore our fortunes and save us from actually living thankful lives. Because no, we do not want to give thanks, we do not want to admit that what we have is a gift, we want to believe that we achieved it all on our own, that we are strong enough, smart enough, independent enough, that we do not need God or His gifts.
I am not saying that wealth is inherently bad, or that we deserve the crisis we are in, but I am asking us to return to reality. To realize that we are blessed above every other nation in the world by God, and because of that we have responsibilities. We have responsibilities to give thanks, and to properly use our wealth. God gives gifts not because he wants to please us, but because he wants to teach us to give. We all are nothing on our own, we all have nothing, and so we cannot give on our own. It is only by God's mighty grace that we have anything to give. God desires us to become like him, to become loving, to become full of Life through love. When we hoard and store and turn our backs on the world we sink deeper into sin, deeper into our selves, farther from God and deeper into death. God desperately desires that we would turn outwards, acknowledge the gifts we have been given, giving thanks everyday, and as a corollary to share those gifts with others spreading God's love and grace. And maybe, just maybe we will find that when our hearts are turned outwards and we give more than we want, and we thank more than we whine we will find that God gives so abundantly that we cannot hope to give it all away, that we will find that His Love, His Life is a boundless spring which seeks to permeate the universe with infinite Glory, infinite majesty, harmony and joy. God desires so much more for us than we have, if only we would cease to cling to the clay sculptures that adorn our hearts and let the refining fire of God's grace and love fill our heart's instead. It is my hope and prayer that I can live by my own words, but only by the help of the One who came to help the helpless, and bring the dead to Life. To God be the Glory, Father Son and Holy Spirit now and forevermore. Amen.
Writing on how christmas has lost its meaning in America is a very long and drawn out topic, and is for another time. No, for now is the time of Thanksgiving, despite what the media tells us. It is time for American's to give thanks for what they so abundantly have. It was pointed out to me by a charity worker that even the poorest of the poor in America get more to eat, clean water to drink, and shelter than a good part of the world, I think he said a number even as large as 75%. To realize that even our poorest, most destitute citizens are richer than 75% of the world! And we skip over giving thanks and demand more!
Our economy is shot, we are all afraid of losing money, all our savings, being unable to support our dry houses, our clean water, our daily supply of food. Oh how terrible it is to be an American today! What we as a country spend on our venti half caf lattes a year alone could end world hunger if not more! And yet we think we have a right to pray to God to save our economy, restore our fortunes and save us from actually living thankful lives. Because no, we do not want to give thanks, we do not want to admit that what we have is a gift, we want to believe that we achieved it all on our own, that we are strong enough, smart enough, independent enough, that we do not need God or His gifts.
I am not saying that wealth is inherently bad, or that we deserve the crisis we are in, but I am asking us to return to reality. To realize that we are blessed above every other nation in the world by God, and because of that we have responsibilities. We have responsibilities to give thanks, and to properly use our wealth. God gives gifts not because he wants to please us, but because he wants to teach us to give. We all are nothing on our own, we all have nothing, and so we cannot give on our own. It is only by God's mighty grace that we have anything to give. God desires us to become like him, to become loving, to become full of Life through love. When we hoard and store and turn our backs on the world we sink deeper into sin, deeper into our selves, farther from God and deeper into death. God desperately desires that we would turn outwards, acknowledge the gifts we have been given, giving thanks everyday, and as a corollary to share those gifts with others spreading God's love and grace. And maybe, just maybe we will find that when our hearts are turned outwards and we give more than we want, and we thank more than we whine we will find that God gives so abundantly that we cannot hope to give it all away, that we will find that His Love, His Life is a boundless spring which seeks to permeate the universe with infinite Glory, infinite majesty, harmony and joy. God desires so much more for us than we have, if only we would cease to cling to the clay sculptures that adorn our hearts and let the refining fire of God's grace and love fill our heart's instead. It is my hope and prayer that I can live by my own words, but only by the help of the One who came to help the helpless, and bring the dead to Life. To God be the Glory, Father Son and Holy Spirit now and forevermore. Amen.
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